NightLight - Top10 Worst Radioactive Animals

[Oscar O'Grady]

Right, I figured I should probably start to make use of this thing else there’s really no point having it, is there?

So I was trying to think of what to write about when I spotted a poster I have up in my room. It’s a enlarged copy of the cover of the first issue of Spiderman and I was thinking to myself how weird it was that people are developing powers all over the place but that no one seems to have tried to manipulate that… like decide what you get or how.

I mean, you must be able to find a few comic nuts willing to try out some freaky experiments for the chance to get Spidey-like powers. But what creatures would you pick? Well, I thought I’d do some of the work for you with….

The Top Ten Radioactive Animals I Wouldn’t Want To Be Bitten By

10. Crab

Pros:

• There’s a chance you could grow an exoskeleton… which is okay for protection.
  
• Claws for fighting also a plus.
  
• Potential for breathing underwater.

Cons:

• Growing an exoskeleton, when you already have an endoskeleton, is going to hurt like a bitch.
  
• Radioactive crab bites could leave you doomed to walk sideways forever, highly inconvenient in busy cities, especially when fighting crime.
  
• Eyestalks… no, no, no. Gross. And must be a pain in the ass when you’re getting dressed.
  
• While breathing underwater is cool of itself, there’s very few underwater bad guys… unless you want to deal with a bad-tempered porpoise or something.

9. Sheep

Pros:

• Potentially awesome haircuts.
  
• Ability to sell your hair for money.

Cons:

• Bleating is fairly annoying.
  
• Uncontrollable wool growth.
  
• Being fucking useless.

8. Moth

Pros:

• Flight

Cons:

• Flight dependent on powdery stuff on your wings. (Edit: I looked this up and it turns out it’s little scales.)
  
• Moths are mainly nocturnal. This could really fuck up your day job… provided you have one.
  
• Attention span ruined. You’ll be running at bright lights and neon signs the second you see them. Vegas is a no-go.

7. Human

Pros:

• If they’re a special you might a power… or something.

Cons:

• You’ve just been bitten by a radioactive human.
  
• You’re not likely to develop any special powers.
  
• Zombie fucking apocalypse.

6. Walrus

Pros:

• Badass old-school 80s cop show facial hair.
  
• Pretty strong.

Cons:

• Legs might turn into a tail. Difficult to find pants to fit.
  
• Getting fat.
  
• Horrendous dental bills.

5. Cranefly

Pros:

• Flight
  
• Deadliest venom on Earth

Cons:

• Seeming inability to control flight.
  
• Bumping into things because of the above
  
• Inability to administer said venom.

(Edit: Just researched this… apparently they’re not even venomous. Haha. Even more useless.)

4. Kiwi

Pros:

• Ability to be national symbol of New Zealand?
  
• Potential cute factor? ( Click here. Dawwwwww!)

Cons:

• No flight.
  
• Useless little wings.
  
• And there is always the chance you get bitten by the wrong kind of kiwi… Click here.

3. Jellyfish

Pros:

• Poisonous sting
  
• Survive underwater

Cons:

• Being made almost completely of water.
  
• No limbs
  
• Unable to move on land.

2. Sloth

Pros:

• Strong claws
  
• Climbing very sloooowly.
  
• Ability to move veeeery sloooooowly.

Cons:

• Ability to ONLY move very slowly.

1. Blobfish

Pros:

• None.

Cons:

• Click here. ‘nuff said.

Feel free to leave comments with your picks for this list or with ideas for other lists I might write.

Thanks for reading,
Oscar

[Micah Walker]

Supercaliy

Your pretty creative when your bored, aren't you? Cuteee. I love this! I'm thinking I should print this out and wallpaper it on my fridge. You know, if any radioactive animals attack. Might come in handy. (: