jesper
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|  | Re: Jesper Niels van Leeuwen [ready for acceptance
« Reply #15 on Feb 18, 2012, 4:40am » | |
He was never thrown off a wall O.o
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Oscar O'Grady
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[color=009922]Has a cute ass and we wub him. (^_^)[/color]
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Karma: 11 | | Re: Jesper Niels van Leeuwen [ready for acceptance
« Reply #16 on Feb 18, 2012, 5:50am » | |
Don't worry, Jesper. I imagine BG is referencing a movie your face claim appeared in. I don't get it either.
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jesper
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| | Re: Jesper Niels van Leeuwen [ready for acceptance
« Reply #17 on Feb 18, 2012, 7:34am » | |
Thank the gods xD I was so confused haha, BTW call me Isaac please 
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Felicia Soler
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Karma: -4 | | Re: Jesper Niels van Leeuwen [ready for acceptance
« Reply #18 on Feb 22, 2012, 12:09am » | |
His brother has a dire wolf, his father has a raven and now Jesper got a white owl from his father to protect him as well for his birthday.
i c u trollin
GoT RP is that way.
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jesper
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| | Re: Jesper Niels van Leeuwen [ready for acceptance
« Reply #19 on Feb 22, 2012, 7:44am » | |
What? O.o I don't understand completely, I didn't copy anything...maybe I read it before and popped into my mind or something? The only research or trolling(?) I did was for his Chiokinesis! I swear to the Lord O.o
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Felicia Soler
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Karma: -4 | | Re: Jesper Niels van Leeuwen [ready for acceptance
« Reply #20 on Feb 22, 2012, 7:58am » | |
Eh, all right. I'll review the rest of it when I get home.
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jesper
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| | Re: Jesper Niels van Leeuwen [ready for acceptance
« Reply #21 on Feb 22, 2012, 10:05am » | |
I don't know what trolling meants :/ Sorry, English isn't my first language haha
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Adele Couteau
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[color=700000]Oculus-obsessed magpie.[/color]
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Karma: -666 | | Re: Jesper Niels van Leeuwen [ready for acceptance
« Reply #22 on Feb 23, 2012, 1:22am » | |
[justify]Key:
- Maroon text = my general comments
- Red text = my revisions
- Struck through text = things that need to be deleted
- <SNIP!> – this means that I’ve deleted parts of the bio that are fine and don’t need to be changed. I do it to save space.
General Information
BIO HERE
Personality
The boy is a hobby maniac. He changes them like he changes his underwear, but there is one hobby that seems to stick. <SNIP!> He always carries his sling around with his sling (often in the back pocket of his pants) and he is pretty good at hitting something with it now. He has been practising for long on practised first on trees, then cans, then actual birds until his father hit him on the head with a book. Peter (his brother) has also often yelled at the boy him and even taken it took the sling shot away from him just because he was aiming after it at a bird. It has been was hard for Jesper to grow up in a family like that, since he saw himself more as a hunter than a protector of the animals. He did not admire his father for being a doctor; he admired his grandfather for being a wolf hunter. Though besides in his family, the boy Because of his natural talent for sling shooting, Jesper is quite popular because of this and he has many guy friends who want to learn how to shoot with such a funny primitive instrument.
<SNIP!> He is new in the magical city which of course needs to be explored. <SNIP!> He even tried to go out into the areas of L.A. that were forbidden by his brother, but he got caught every time. He is a bit calmer when he is back home in familiar surroundings. Yes, he plays a lot outside – building houses and acting like a woodsman, but despite of that he is not very adventurous, unless something interesting comes up. For example, there was one day when he and his friends went off to explore the sharp and dangerous cliffs by the sea. It had not been hard to get Jesper to agree to go along – it was a forbidden area for him, because if he fell down from them, then he would most likely be crushed. The boy liked to disobey his parents’ rules and he could not help but feel the same towards the school rules as well – but more of that later.
<SNIP!> Not because he is adventurous, but because he dares to try new things and dares to break the school rules if he wants to do something fun. Of course, he does not break the important rules that will get him in huge trouble, but of course… who knows the principal's view on the rules about what expels a boy and not? <SNIP!> However despite how much he actually likes heights and the air, he does not like flying. <SNIP!> He wants to explore the school on the ground, or at least where he has something steady to hold onto, whether it is a wall, a roof or the soft grass.
Jesper is a good and loyal friend to the people who are close to him. He will do anything for them, and he would probably die for them. He stands up for himself and chooses his best friends with a very critical eye, but once someone gets close to him, he is very trustworthy – despite the times when he says that, “It’s not dangerous” when it usually really is. <SNIP!> The boy is good at making friends – also across the houses.
Do you mean ‘grades’ instead of ‘houses’ here? The private schools in CA aren’t Hogwarts. I should know; I was raised in private schools when I lived out there.
<SNIP!> He sometimes talks a lot, and is sometimes so quiet that it feels like something is wrong. But his mood changes quickly like that. Most of the time it is because of nothing at all, and people should just let him be. <SNIP!>
Jesper is a boy who has a strong heart. <SNIP!> He has a lust for life, and he knows (deep inside) that it is those people who dare to fight and who do not give up, who will live a happy life and who will get the most out of it. He is one of those people for sure. <SNIP!> Howeverstudying isn’t something he takes very seriously – especially for subjects that he does not see any use for in his future – math, for example. <SNIP!>
Despite him practising sling shooting on animals, he still loves them though. His parents and siblings are doctors and his grandparents are bear hunters.
I thought you just said that his grandfather was a wolf hunter? Wouldn’t it just be easier to say that they’re game hunters?
He grew up among people who took care of many creatures very seriously. They even have a pet each. His brother has a dire wolf,
These don’t exist. They did at one time, but they went extinct. Dire wolves are, however, the Stark family mascot.
his father has a raven
And so are ravens. Hmmm. CC from GoT, two commonly used animals from GoT . . .
and now Jesper got a white owl from his father to protect him as well for his birthday.
Hmmmm.
It is a big white owl, which he calls Ghost. <SNIP!> They always make the environment adapt to them. <SNIP!>
It is quite odd. I have mentioned that he is a brave boy who dares to stand up for himself and speak up his mind.
Stick to using third-person point of view when writing a bio (he, she, him, her, they, it, etc.) and not first person (I, me, my). It just reads kind of . . . awkward.
He has many friends who like him and he is not afraid of trying something new, but he isn’t a leader. Not that he likes to follow other people, but he just never takes up the leader role in a group. He is of course the one who dares to speak up if something does not sit well with him; however he lets the other person do the hard work. Perhaps he is too quiet to be a leader, or perhaps he just does not want to. He is one of those people who does not need a leader to lead him; he can do it himself. But he never takes the leading role in groups. He is a loner and would rather do everything himself.
Since Jesper only moved to L.A this May, he is not good at English. He often forgets the most complicated words, and his grammar is not the best of a kind. In the beginning his brother read his assignments and corrected his grammar and language, however since he is a dead now, Jesper is on his own. His language may seem rather grey and without any details, but that is simply because of his lack of words. Being young and having a brother who was fairly good at English, he learned very fast, and that has not prevented him from meeting new people and making new friends. <SNIP!> That never happens if he speaks in his native tongue – Dutch—but no one at camp understands it. Or at least not that he knows of. <SNIP!>
<SNIP!>He misses his father and grandparents, and even though everything at school and in LA is new and exciting – like an adventure—he still thinks that family comes first. He has realised how much his parents had meant to him when he had lived at home with them, and he has realised how much he loves all of them. <SNIP!> It often happens from either happiness, frustration, or because he is homesick. It helps a little that his brother works at his school and that his father is not far away, but what he misses the most is his whole family being together and living together. He cannot wait for every vacation to go home and visit Holland and his father and grandparents.
That was a very sad paragraph about Jesper's homesickness, and I will not end the description with some sad information about the boy. Instead I want to tell you about another quality of his. He tends to get in trouble quite often – probably because he likes to break rules—and also because he is so adventurous. <SNIP!>
After the attack on his family, Jesper’s moral compass was thrown into total distress. <SNIP!> He disobeys The Company and does anything he that pleases him. He’s had enough of the rules and the evil and he decided that the evil would stop attacking him if he was the evil himself. <SNIP!> Their mother is being kept in the dark however.
Lists
Likes
These look fine.
Dislikes
The first letter on each of these needs to be capitalised.
Strengths
These all look fine.
Weaknesses
Gets in trouble often in trouble because he is adventurous and a rule breaker.
Skills
These look fine.
Flaws
Take out the bit about not being able to control his powers. It’s kind of a given that since he’s a new manifest, he won’t be able to control them.
Powers/Skills/Training
Chionokinesis:
Honestly, I’d just call it Cryokinesis since that’s what everyone knows it by.
<SNIP!> He is especially strong during the winters in Holland where a temperature of -10C is easily reached. He can control any liquid, or rather its ice form, by slowing down the atoms of the liquid, making it colder until it hardens and becomes ice. He first discovered his powers around two weeks when someone attacked him and he froze their blood in his state of terror. The criminal died and Jesper left Holland the same night to a place where there was someone who could help him lived. The Company. Baldur took him there for help, but Jesper refused after working with them for a week and is now evil and on the run hiding to prevent being taken into custody.
Associated with his powers are thermal immunity and Ice Mimicry. He cannot tap into the second associated power, all that happens when he manipulates water to create ice or ice itself is that his hands will go paler and then blue like ice in Antartica.
Characters can really only have two powers: 1 main power and 1 sub power (related to the main power, obviously). So he can have either Thermal Immunity or ice mimicry, but not both.
Other than that, his body doesn't alter when he uses his power. Also he is able to create blizzards if he has access to a large amount of water, like a lake.
Limitations
Jesper has quite a few limitations, well...only five,. First off, he cannot use the water in the air for anything bigger than small crystals. They can be sharp but will still be small. Around warm and dry places, his powers are rendered quite useless. Fire and heat affect him greatly. Water itself he cannot control; he can turn the water into ice but that is all. however his brother, Baldur, can. He cannot freeze anything that is surrounded by vibrations. He cannot freeze anything near a vibration because the atoms that are too warm from all the moving around. Trying to form something like that into ice would cause the ice to shatter.
Appearance
Jesper has big brown eyes with long black eyelashes surrounding them. <SNIP!> His skin is pale and with freckles around his nose. <SNIP!> It is also very long compared to what people are used to seeing, but that is perhaps not the general style of some Dutch families. <SNIP!> He is, after all, only nine years old, and at this time the girls are taller than him or are at least as tall as he is. He appears very small to most people. He is also slender to look at and his voice is light.
<SNIP!> Therefore his clothes have to be practical. <SNIP!> He likes natural colours, and of course dislikes colours like pink and red. They are girlish colours. Just like the rest of his family, he has cloaks with fur on the shoulders during winters. They are specially made woollen cloaks made so they can keep warm all the way up north. It is probably the biggest characteristic about his clothes. He has also inherited some of his brother’s old shirts that are still not ruined, and his old pants. His mother also either makes him some shirts and things, or buys clothes for him and sends them to her son in a package. However he does not care about his dressing style. He is a twelve year old boy, for crying out loud.
Background/Family Information
This looks fine.
History
Jesper's mother and father had the typical novel love story going on. They met when they both were in school, and along with many of their classmates, they got the same job as well. They started out as good friends and it was first after graduation that their friendship turned into romance. It was unsurprising. The two of them had been in love with each other for some years before that. They have just did not dare to tell it to one another because they were afraid of ruining their friendship.<SNIP!> None of them had to sacrifice anything because they had the same job, the same workplace, and they lived in the same town on the same block with apartments. <SNIP!>
So what did his parents do, exactly, that made them rich? You don’t say.
<SNIP!> They were a happy family. They were rich and Baldur grew up getting everything he wanted but they never misused the money they had. They loved to share it. Baldur went to school and when he graduated, he went to college , then to the most prestigious law school in London. In the meantime, Jesper was born. He grew up normally and Baldur didn't need to do a lot. He went off to college until the fateful night two weeks ago.
The family was attacked in the comfort of their own home. Criminals broke in during the dead of night and went after his parents. They took his father and killed him in front of Jesper and would have gone for his mother had Jesper's powers not unleashed themselves. He froze the the blood in their veins. In his fury and terror, they froze and died quickly. Afterwards, Katrijne quickly called Baldur and he flew home and they were out to Los Angeles the next day. They knew Baldur was a hydrokinetic and knew there were people out there who could help, but Baldur had never needed it. Jesper did.
They arrived and everyone moved swiftly. Because they were so far away, they both were allowed to keep their names. They enrolled in a school, Baldur became a teacher of Political Law for the High School (is that right? I'm English and its Secondary School for us xP)
After going to law school, he’d probably be a professor of some sort at the university level rather than high school.
in the Upper East Side and Jesper went to the primary school to learn English. He swiftly learned quickly and he can now speak scattered English words with a simple structure mostly dropping some Dutch words into it in between.
They made themselves known to the Company whom they'd heard of from one of their associates in Amsterdam through Baldur and they got help to hide, but after a while they told Jesper he couldn't use his gift. <SNIP!> He was furious , he was in a crude way to put it simple told he couldn't use his gift. He and went into a right fit. He had said he'd never come back and would never help the Company, nor would he let them help him. They left and haven’t been approached again. Yet.
Jesper had found out about the Company and what it really did through someone who approached him in the second week he was in NYC and told him how the Company would first make him hide his powers which they'd already done and then they'd turn him into their weapon. Jesper told Baldur and they confronted one of the associates of the Company and left.
When did they wind up in NY? You said earlier that they’d moved to Los Angeles recently. What prompted them to move from NY all the way to L.A.? Also, what happened to all of their pets? Did they take their pets with them or . . . ?
Anything else?- Jesper’s brother, Baldur who is a hydrokinetic is very experienced in hiding from authorities. He stays hidden easily which is how the two boys manage to evade the Company.
Sample RP
<SNIP!> The temperature didn't faze Jesper, but to seem normal he wore proper winter clothes. <SNIP!> Concentrating on the tree in front of him, he formed a line of fire and flung his hand in a sharp motion to a point at the tree's trunk and smiled as the icicles penetrated the bark. He turned his hand around and clasped it into a small fist. Slowly frost crept across the tree as his hand turned blue and white.
<SNIP!> He took his time strolling inside alongside his best friend, Ghost. <SNIP!> Ghost settled on a tree outside the classroom that Jesper would be in soon enough. Carefully, he walked in and flicked his hand again when someone was bullying a kid. He may have been evil, but the kid who was getting bullied didn't deserve it. Slowly, frost formed on the floor and the bully slipped. Jesper cracked his knuckles and it disappeared. With a self-satisfied smile, he walked down the corridor and walked into his lesson about ten minutes late. He shrugged and sat down at the back of the classroom. It was English and he had to listen very closely to be able to follow the lesson and learn new vocabulary so he could get around more easily than speaking Dutch to Americans.
Please respond when the changes have been made. When making your revisions, please be sure to change them all over the bio, not just where it's been pointed out. Mods are only human, and are bound to miss things here and there. For example, if asked to change your character's primary power and you mention the power in their history, you will need to edit both their power section and their history section to correct it.
Thanks![/justify]
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jesper
Guest
| | Re: Jesper Niels van Leeuwen [ready for acceptance
« Reply #23 on Feb 23, 2012, 11:10pm » | |
I have edited everything now Thanks for taking your time to review all that, looking at it I was terrible when I made this, anyway, I swear that I didn't copy anything from GoT on purpose. If there was copying it is accidental, I have however changed Baldur's pet to a German Shepherd and added in everything you asked for in the crimson. I choose Thermal Immunity so I kind of edited your edits in my RP sample since you made it into his hand because of the ice mimicry thing 
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Adele Couteau
Villain (Staff)
Bodily Integrity Alteration / Biological Energy Reading[M:3075]
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[color=700000]Oculus-obsessed magpie.[/color]
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